New Sketch

Jay and I wrote a sketch while we were driving around last weekend. It could probably use another draft, but I'm happy enough with it to post it. Enjoy.



THE GLASS
by Amy and Jay

A BOOKIE is interrogating a MAN in a dark, empty room.

BOOKIE
Where's my money?

MAN
I, I don't have it.

The BOOKIE slaps the MAN in the face, hard.

MAN
Ow! I just don't have it, ok?

BOOKIE
You don't just put down five grand on the Cavs to win without the coin to back it up.

MAN
I...I...

The BOOKIE slaps the MAN again, harder.

BOOKIE
Apparently, you don't understand the gravity of the situation. Looks like I'll have to get...The GLASS.

MAN
No! No! Not The Glass! Anything but that!

BOOKIE
Send in The Glass!

Enter IRA GLASS, complete with suit, tie, glasses, and microphone.

MAN
Nooooo!

IRA GLASS
Hello, you're listening to This American Life. I'm Ira Glass.

BOOKIE
Get 'im, Glass.

IRA GLASS
Did you know our producers spent an entire year in Iraq to produce our award-winning expose on life after the war?

BOOKIE
(smiling) Here it comes...

IRA GLASS
How do you think we were able to afford this massive undertaking? Why, it was because of listeners like you...

MAN
Nooooo!

IRA GLASS
...who gave generously to our cause. Now, if you listen to our show and don't donate, what are you thinking? You know, if you think about it, listening to NPR and not donating is really cheating yourself out of being a good person. Hear me out.

MAN
Oh, God! No! Why?!

The BOOKIE puts in earplugs.

IRA GLASS
We have a full staff devoted to giving you, the listener, the very best storytelling in America. Wouldn't donating be the only decent thing to do? Any donation is acceptable, but if you pledge $5000 now, not only do you get an NPR tote bag...

MAN
Oh my God! Ok! I'll refinance my house! Whatever! You got your money!

BOOKIE
(takes out earplugs) Works every time.

IRA GLASS
...but you can get an autographed This American Life mug!

BOOKIE
Enough, Glass, we're done here.

IRA GLASS
Did I mention my picture's on the mug?

BOOKIE
Here's five bucks. Get out.

The BOOKIE gives IRA GLASS a fiver.

IRA GLASS
Works every time.